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Mixed thoughts [May. 4th, 2016|03:03 am]
Mixed shadows of dark and heavy thoughtsCollapse )
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(no subject) [Apr. 27th, 2016|01:06 am]
[mood |numbnumb]
[music |Placebo - Commercial to Levi]

It's funny when you think of someone, and the little impacts they had on you. Then you hear the news.

You see friends post sad songs on social media, and later you realise why.

You see people post videos about taking breaks, and then see photos.

You think of songs to share, and they feel too raw. So you play them for yourself, knowing you heard them.

You think of the "regular occurrence" that people gawp at from the windows in the office, looking on with gallows humour, just part of the rhythm of the city, and you wonder if anyone thought to call.

So yeah, I might be a lil' low-activity for the rest of this week.
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Trans group [Mar. 16th, 2016|02:57 am]
So, I was at a trans support group a couple of weeks ago. *checks another item off the list*

Feels about the meetCollapse )
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Burlesque and intentional spaces [Mar. 14th, 2016|02:37 am]
[music |Aine Cahill - Black Dahlia]

I was at a burlesque show a couple of weeks ago. I only really got to writing it now because on the night of the show, my dad collapsed and did a bit of (thankfully minor) damage to himself. So I've been dealing with the fallout from that since.

I haven't been to a burlesque show in a long, LONG time. There are reasons for that; I'd forgotten some of them until I went back.

It's weird, I was super into going to burlesque performances, then stopped. I didn't quite actively stop, but at some point I was no longer going, and at the time I had Reasonstm avoid going to the next show. Most of them had to do with not being ready for it.

So, here's the thing with me and burlesque. I feel a need to be an active, or at least intentional, audience member. The same applies to when I'm in the audience of drag shows as well.

Somehow, I see my role as needing to be fully present and feed back to the performer somehow. In the case of burlesque, especially, I feel the need to present myself in a way that matches the vibe the show is going for.

In a weird way I feel like, as an audience member, I'm a minor and auxilliary performer there purely for the benefit of those on stage - a symbiotic relationship... I feed back some of what I got.

That means that when I don't feel I can match the vibe of a show, I won't go.

Burlesque moping - moping isn't sexy - skippableCollapse )

The night itself...Collapse )
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Age kinda makes fools of us all [Feb. 10th, 2016|10:57 am]
Many years ago, I did something silly: I said what was in my head.

See, I with a (very short-term) girlfriend. She had a kid. She was older than me by 9 years.

While we were kissing, I realised that the age difference between me and her was the same age her kid.

The thought tickled me, so I said it. She was not impressed, but I got away with it.

I just realised that the relationship was long enough ago that I'm now older than she was then. Back then I thought she should have had more shit figured out.

Welp, nope. I have a lot more respect for her position, even if my opinion of her is still low.
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Drumming [Feb. 7th, 2016|01:10 am]
So, I went again to drumming.

I hung out with friends for a meal and a small drink, before I tottered off.

This time was different. It was a lot easier. People were banging out inpromptu beats before the class started. I was able to see what they were doing and bang along.

Then the head came in, and he showed up some beats and divided the room. It felt easier this time to play along. I mostly kept my beat, and only forgot it about twice, and didn't feel as distressed when I lost it.

Last time I thought I had a different relationship to the beat every so often. This time, it turns out that the group does it. The meaning shifts. The beat went from something easy-going, to something that sounded like an announcement of a hunt, to something that felt like some sort of a race, to something very easy and chilled.

I felt more part of the group's beat this time, rather than trying to find my place in it. It felt like less effort (although I miss the part where I was pouring sweat).

It centred me quite nicely. I definitely wanna return.
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(no subject) [Feb. 4th, 2016|10:42 am]
Last night I had a dream. Probably not unrelated to stuff.

In the dream I was on hormones. The people who gave me the prescription told me they'd see me next year. I was feeling weird on them, and it turned out they were just blockers. And I didn't know how to get in contact with those people again.

The dream had a part where I "woke up" beside someone. There was a confusion. There was that nice muddled waking feeling, and there was someone beside me. I know her in real life, but I'm not that close to her. Real life confusion seeped in a tiny bit. I knew her, but wasn't that close, and I was fairly sure I slept with her, but I didn't know what to do now. But I also liked the warmth her body gave out.

Then after getting out of bed, (a very unrealistic version of) Barbara Carrellas closed the weekend, for us all to go home. On the train back, I was hanging out with an untrans version of a couple I know in real life. They were from an alternate dimension for the conference. We were trying to figure out how to keep in touch. I was fairly sure Facebook wasn't common between dimensions. For some reason I thought email would work, though.

Now, I just have to remember that I these things didn't happen when I meet these people again.
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Hey you, what do you see? [Feb. 4th, 2016|01:25 am]
[music |Marilyn Manson - Beautiful People]

I went to a Bi meetup today.

Well, I came late to a bi meetup. Before that, I was hanging with friends. It turns out that most/all of us pretty much have that killer combination of obliviousness when someone is interested/flirting with you, and enough social anxiety to stop us approaching attractive people. Couple that with also just degrading into babbling incoherence, and total loss of cool, when someone actually actively expresses an interest in you, and that leads to a complete an utter shipwreck.

Yeah, so I arrived at the Bi meetup.

I caught the tail-end of folks, made some blithe comments, just trying to get into the rhythm of the conversation. I ended up talking nerdy to some, and just talking to others.

People left, not many joined. We tapered down to a small cadre of folks. One who, for all his strong personality, was defensive. Another who I'd seen before in other places. I made a comment that we were both fairly recognisable.

He said that at least I was beautiful.

So yeah, I went to a bi meetup, and I was told I was beautiful.

My mind spun. Do I return the compliment if I don't feel it? Do I accept the compliment, even if I don't feel it? How would I accept the compliment?

I still can't take compliments. I think I said as much. I also said I didn't really feel it. I've only believed a few people when they said they thought I was beautiful, and it was very much down to circumstance. The rest of the time, I can't see it.

He said, I should try. I didn't tell him that I'm afraid, in case what I see doesn't match what others see. So, it's simply easier to believe there's nothing there. Nothing to see, move along. I've been doing this for at least a decade. The idea of not doing this is foreign to me.

He was actually a fairly nice guy, and I realised after the meet that I knew him from the Space, although he was mostly there because his other friends were.

Anyway, the conversation continued, and with a small group it got silly, filthy, and generally interesting craic for a bunch of folks who probably didn't all know each other. Then we all decided that getting the last bus home was a good idea.

When we all packed up and left, we walked some of the same way and we chatted. It seems like it was both our first time at a meetup. He asked if myself and the person I arrived with were besties. We shook hands goodbye, although there was a nervousness. I got the impression that he wanted something more. I wasn't ready to give it.

I don't find people really beautiful until I get to know them. I find some people pretty at sight, but not beautiful.

I don't find myself attracted to people until I know them, and they light up the room for me.

I couldn't have returned the compliment.

On the way home, I felt bouyed though. I think I needed the human contact.

It did make me regret not going to the trans group, though. The trans group is a way back into the system, and through the system I can get back on hormones. I get to hold onto good feelings better when I'm on them.

I think I also need to learn how to accept compliments like a functional human.
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Star Wars did strange things to me [Jan. 25th, 2016|06:54 pm]
So, after a lot of drinking on Thursday, I was in a potentially-delicate state on Friday. While I was fine for most of the day, the tell-tale upset stomach was kicking in around 6pm. Somehow I didn't want to tempt fate and go to a drumming circle - a dark room filled with lots of loud noises - in case it brought a full-blown hangover to bear.

Instead, wanting to do something, but a something that wouldn't trigger a hangover, I went to the cinema and watched the new Star Wars.

The problem with delicate states is that I'm sometimes a little emotionally delicate as well.

Wittering that's very unrelated to Star Wars, other than the fact it kicked it offCollapse )
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(no subject) [Jan. 17th, 2016|08:20 pm]
I have booked more dancing.

I treat it as a good sign that when I was in the queue, waiting to sign up, a class was warming up, and I found myself grinning a little bit. Yeah, I'm looking forward to going back.
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