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This may offend some religious folks (or amuse them) - The tissue of the Tears of Zorro [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
tearsofzorro

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This may offend some religious folks (or amuse them) [Mar. 26th, 2005|05:39 am]
tearsofzorro
[mood |crazyodd]

I was thinking, there aren't enough religious holidays involving gelatine. Or any holidays for that matter. Of course, you couldn't have it in Hindu, but I'm sure you'd be able to find some religion open to the idea of Tasty Gelatine Treats in the name of your God(s).

There again, I doubt Catholocism would be too great on it. Where would it fit in? "On the third day he rose again, and stuffed his face with Tasty Gelatine Treats." And where would he get the Gelatine from? Would he have killed and rendered the cows himself after he rose, or would he just have gone into an empty house while the occupants were at Easter mass and raided their food stores? If either was the case, I doubt the church would be too eager to let that press out about him. So I guess Catholocism's out of the question.

Hell, even if one isn't willing to set it up, I could set up my own little cult and the workers could write the various books that make up the core texts of the Cult of Aoife.

"15. And on a random day Aoife came down from the mountain and proclaimed (16) 'Today is not a day for work. Tasty Gelatine Treats for all!' 17 Verily, all of the faith was gifted with many packets of the work of the great Lesser-God Haribo. 18 Lawks, it was a great change from low-energy vegetables and hard labour let me tell you! 19 As the sugar rush took hold of the Minions of Aoife, she looked down on the manic chaos and proclaimed to Herself, 20 'This is fun! I should do this on a random day each year'. 21 However, a dodgy salesman disguised as a snake sold our great Leader a bad pseudo-random generator, which always gave the answer 31337, so the random date was fixed to the 31 March of each year." - Book of Minion #276, 5:15-21

Look at all these holidays - you occasionally have lamb, or turkey, or chocolate. WHY NOT GELATINE? There is no use for the cow in these celebrations! And it's not as if they didn't exist in ancient times. Look at the parable of the Technicolour Dream Coat, Joseph interpretted a dream for a King where 7 thin cows consumed 7 fat cows. Was there any gelatine action there? NO! Were there cows? YES! Give me a goddamned Gelatine holiday people! I know I'm a pagan and as such amn't a part of the other religions, but still, I want to partake!

Lo! I command it! "Lo!", I say!

LO!

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