|Not for human consumption
||[Mar. 11th, 2005|09:36 pm]
|||||drained and hormonal||]|
|||||Marilyn Manson - Coma White||]|
Ok, this is where I rant a rant that I've been saving for ages. It's
kinda heavy. In fact it's very heavy, so I'm going to put it into an lj
cut - I don't want everyone to be forced to read it just because they
clicked into their friends list.
So don't read it if you're in a bad mood or in a good mood that you can
be brought down from. It's dark, it's bitter, it's me right now. Basically, it probably shouldn't be read by
anyone, anywhere... but I need to rant so I'll hide it behind a Livejournal cut.
This is the only big rant on this that I intend to post, then I want to be quiet again.
So this is the very big rant - mainly about hormones.
Right now, I've no real idea what to think of myself. I'm not even
entirely sure what others think of me (which is a tough one to guage
I know that I'm pretty much detesting myself right now.
One thing about the situation is that while it's easy to migrate from
one state to the other of being on hormones or not, I can never have a
fully coherent understanding of what it's like on the other side. I
know the facts, I know what happens in a very abstract and detached
way. I think it's like a 2d creature trying to comprehend a 3d world,
or a 3d character trying to imaging coping/living in a 2d world without
depth. I can't remember or understand the feelings on the opposite side.
Right now, I can't imagine being, let alone figure out how to be,
anything other than what I assume to be a chameleon or a vampire. I am
no mood other than the prevailing ones around me, otherwise I fall into
a sinking reverie, concentrating on nothing but the persistant nausea
in my stomach ot the wrenching desire to cause a greater pain o provide
a release - it'd be something I have control over, and it may distract
me enough, but somehow also tolerate it.
I can't imagine not hating this biochemically self-mutilated body. All
I know is that I'd hate the non-mutilated body less. I can't imagine
being different to who I am now, as at all point in time, I'm no-one
but myself, I know I was different a few weeks ago. I know I didn't
feel this rot. I know my head was clear. I know I didn't feel violence
coursing through my head and body at the slightest provocation. I know
I laughed more. I know I could be alone in a room and not want to tear
out that knot in my stomach.
I've been meaning to post my final post on a lack of hormones for a
while now, but I've been less than able to articulate things, and this
will be my final post on the matter as, quite frankly, I'm sure people
are as sick of hearing/reading about this as I am of talking about it -
it isn't fair on anyone, it's not something I can really unload onto
someone - if I start, I won't stop and if I do that, it can bloody well
crush someone. That's why it's here, and behind an LJ cut, this way
there's an element of choice of those who want to know.
I wish I could stop acting like the world owes me something - it
doesn't. However the world seems to be listening to that part of me and
acting like it also thinks it owes me something, and is letting me have
my way on a few things - although that just makes me feel guilty on
that front (plus it's only petty stuff). I shouldn't be owed anything.
Quite frankly, people who act like they're owed something by the world
just because they feel they've been given a raw deal (even if they have
been)... well, they annoy me. I don't want debts, I don't want
something that the world was connect into believing it owed me. I just
wnat t stop hating what I see when I look at me. I want to be able to
look in a mirror and have a chance of liking things. I'm ranting about
this here because I said I'll just do it once, and I'll make it a big
one and get every little thing out there, and stop whining about this
situation because it helps no-one. What will help me is getting myself
a prescription. What will help me is ensuring that this will never
While I know that, right now, I'm not that different, physically
speaking, from how I was a few weeks ago, when I look at a girl I know
that I'm going nowhere to become what I see - there are no avenues open
to me to get there. When I was on the pills I knew, when I looked at a
girl, that I was already on my own way there. There was no point in
being jealous of something I might very well end up with. I knew that
there was no point in begrudging others being given what I had to work
for. I still don't - I just hate myself more for not being able to even
work towards that. I have no way to feel like I'm going somewhere in my
I like to think that I haven't changed but from friends I know that I
have, and it occurs to me that these days that I got to know quite a
few of my friends after I started on them, and to some I see like a
If I am so different that I could almost be considered a different
person on and off hormons, who is the real me? The unmodifed one is one
who'd implode at a moment's notice, and explode just as easily,
constantly feeling outside the owrld. The biochemically altered me is
more able to function, in almost all ways. How can an altered me
be the real me? It's obvious that naturdal selection would have have
long past had its way with me if I had lived as little as a century ago
(let alone longer back). So why should the "functioning" me be
considered real? Or on the other hand what reason is there for the
unmodified me to survive either? Regardless, if I end up without pills,
I'll just crash again, reverting to this
again. I guess it's "A pill to make you numb, a pill to make you dumb".
I can't escape this state... nothing will save me from myself, much as
I strive to avoid it.
At any rate, I know I won't want to op any time soon, as that means I'd
have to be in this state again for 6 weeks before the op... so as to
avoid medical complications.
So that's me. That's the mind of a messed up "adult" seeing puberty
again. Of course, while I measure my significant hormone swings as
"puberties", I don't think it's really possible to have more than one
and a half of them. You go through the first, and the second, the
hormones (if you get the full regime in the first place) will try and
trigger things that simple aren't there. How in the hell can that be
called a puberty? I haven't and won't be going through everything that
someone going through their first puberty will. And I know there's that
fucking glib answer of "But some people don't even have a full first
one" but quite frankly, they're a small minority... and much and all as
I know and love some of that minority, it doesn't mean much in the end.
All I know that right now, I want those pills back. I'm an addict. Please mister consultant, deal me another dose.