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Not for human consumption - The tissue of the Tears of Zorro [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Not for human consumption [Mar. 11th, 2005|09:36 pm]
[mood |draineddrained and hormonal]
[music |Marilyn Manson - Coma White]

Ok, this is where I rant a rant that I've been saving for ages. It's kinda heavy. In fact it's very heavy, so I'm going to put it into an lj cut - I don't want everyone to be forced to read it just because they clicked into their friends list.

So don't read it if you're in a bad mood or in a good mood that you can be brought down from. It's dark, it's bitter, it's me right now. Basically, it probably shouldn't be read by anyone, anywhere... but I need to rant so I'll hide it behind a Livejournal cut.

This is the only big rant on this that I intend to post, then I want to be quiet again.

So this is the very big rant - mainly about hormones.

Right now, I've no real idea what to think of myself. I'm not even entirely sure what others think of me (which is a tough one to guage anyway).

I know that I'm pretty much detesting myself right now.

One thing about the situation is that while it's easy to migrate from one state to the other of being on hormones or not, I can never have a fully coherent understanding of what it's like on the other side. I know the facts, I know what happens in a very abstract and detached way. I think it's like a 2d creature trying to comprehend a 3d world, or a 3d character trying to imaging coping/living in a 2d world without depth. I can't remember or understand the feelings on the opposite side.

Right now, I can't imagine being, let alone figure out how to be, anything other than what I assume to be a chameleon or a vampire. I am no mood other than the prevailing ones around me, otherwise I fall into a sinking reverie, concentrating on nothing but the persistant nausea in my stomach ot the wrenching desire to cause a greater pain o provide a release - it'd be something I have control over, and it may distract me enough, but somehow also tolerate it.

I can't imagine not hating this biochemically self-mutilated body. All I know is that I'd hate the non-mutilated body less. I can't imagine being different to who I am now, as at all point in time, I'm no-one but myself, I know I was different a few weeks ago. I know I didn't feel this rot. I know my head was clear. I know I didn't feel violence coursing through my head and body at the slightest provocation. I know I laughed more. I know I could be alone in a room and not want to tear out that knot in my stomach.

I've been meaning to post my final post on a lack of hormones for a while now, but I've been less than able to articulate things, and this will be my final post on the matter as, quite frankly, I'm sure people are as sick of hearing/reading about this as I am of talking about it - it isn't fair on anyone, it's not something I can really unload onto someone - if I start, I won't stop and if I do that, it can bloody well crush someone. That's why it's here, and behind an LJ cut, this way there's an element of choice of those who want to know.

I wish I could stop acting like the world owes me something - it doesn't. However the world seems to be listening to that part of me and acting like it also thinks it owes me something, and is letting me have my way on a few things - although that just makes me feel guilty on that front (plus it's only petty stuff). I shouldn't be owed anything. Quite frankly, people who act like they're owed something by the world just because they feel they've been given a raw deal (even if they have been)... well, they annoy me. I don't want debts, I don't want something that the world was connect into believing it owed me. I just wnat t stop hating what I see when I look at me. I want to be able to look in a mirror and have a chance of liking things. I'm ranting about this here because I said I'll just do it once, and I'll make it a big one and get every little thing out there, and stop whining about this situation because it helps no-one. What will help me is getting myself a prescription. What will help me is ensuring that this will never happen again.

While I know that, right now, I'm not that different, physically speaking, from how I was a few weeks ago, when I look at a girl I know that I'm going nowhere to become what I see - there are no avenues open to me to get there. When I was on the pills I knew, when I looked at a girl, that I was already on my own way there. There was no point in being jealous of something I might very well end up with. I knew that there was no point in begrudging others being given what I had to work for. I still don't - I just hate myself more for not being able to even work towards that. I have no way to feel like I'm going somewhere in my transition.

I like to think that I haven't changed but from friends I know that I have, and it occurs to me that these days that I got to know quite a few of my friends after I started on them, and to some I see like a different person.

If I am so different that I could almost be considered a different person on and off hormons, who is the real me? The unmodifed one is one who'd implode at a moment's notice, and explode just as easily, constantly feeling outside the owrld. The biochemically altered me is more able to function, in almost all ways.  How can an altered me be the real me? It's obvious that naturdal selection would have have long past had its way with me if I had lived as little as a century ago (let alone longer back). So why should the "functioning" me be considered real? Or on the other hand what reason is there for the unmodified me to survive either? Regardless, if I end up without pills, I'll just crash again, reverting to this again. I guess it's "A pill to make you numb, a pill to make you dumb". I can't escape this state... nothing will save me from myself, much as I strive to avoid it.

At any rate, I know I won't want to op any time soon, as that means I'd have to be in this state again for 6 weeks before the op... so as to avoid medical complications.

So that's me. That's the mind of a messed up "adult" seeing puberty again. Of course, while I measure my significant hormone swings as "puberties", I don't think it's really possible to have more than one and a half of them. You go through the first, and the second, the hormones (if you get the full regime in the first place) will try and trigger things that simple aren't there. How in the hell can that be called a puberty? I haven't and won't be going through everything that someone going through their first puberty will. And I know there's that fucking glib answer of "But some people don't even have a full first one" but quite frankly, they're a small minority... and much and all as I know and love some of that minority, it doesn't mean much in the end.

All I know that right now, I want those pills back. I'm an addict. Please mister consultant, deal me another dose.


[User Picture]From: lilacfaeryboy
2005-03-12 01:24 pm (UTC)
I can't think of anything to say that'll make it better, so I'm not gonna try. Just gonna say, rant at me when you nedd to, and hang in there, you'll get thru this....'kay?
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[User Picture]From: tearsofzorro
2005-03-14 02:26 am (UTC)
Aye I will.

I think after that, and the screaming, I feel more at peace, or balanced or something. This could also be due to the fact that it's the weeekend and I'm at home, and have slept most of my weekend away or sat in front of a computer... But I'm feeling on general better than I was during the week.

Maybe the last coupla weeks were withdrawl symptoms... not that I particularly like being off them.. Anywho. I must sleep.
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