||[Nov. 18th, 2016|04:35 pm]
So... words that aren't about the election.
Well, a few days ago, I really felt tapped dry. Like, wow. I remembered that this was the way I was used to feeling, but it was new to me again.
I realised that I was spending more time in work again, somehow.
I realised that I had to work harder on my morning meditations on the bus to get less effect.
I realised that I wanted to take a holiday in Amsterdam, spending a week wondering where the fuck my face is.
I realised that the person I'd dusted off last Christmas-time has been left in the corner, dusting over again.
And I compared this to last year where I shone on some level. And I realised that I wanted to take some time to get back there. And wished there were more accessible spaces I could go to do that.
Then I realised I hadn't been drumming for the last three Fridays. I realised that's one of my maintenance times.
I've promised myself I'll drum this Friday, if even to just keep the rot at bay.
There's also the Transgender Day of Remembrance ceremony on Friday, but I won't make that. I want to. I want to remember Sean there. But I can't let myself lose another Friday.
I wanted to post a few days ago about how it was all getting darker, and falling apart. Then it got better, and I still wanted to write about it but I don't know how any more. I could say I realise I have tools to recognise where I was, and other tools to help me Not Be There, but I don't want to turn it into one of those sappy, "This is where I was, but I'm not there" posts - even if there's an element of that to it.
I just felt so constrained, and bound. I think I've fixed it, but I think it's also important to remember why I wanted it. I suppose, I really just wanted avenues of self-care to engage in. I still want them, I'm just making sure I'm engaging in the ones I have access to.