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Impostor Syndrome - The tissue of the Tears of Zorro — LiveJournal [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Impostor Syndrome [Jun. 14th, 2016|11:48 pm]

Um... This week so far has been intense, and it's only 2 days in. I'll be honest, it's the most I've ever felt like an impostor in my entire fucking life. And I have felt that many times before. We paired up with other bootcampers to do some roleplay exercises today. The goal was to try and determine what the customer was hiding. Well, not hiding, just not thinking to tell us (it happens a lot on calls). My pair ran behind. Then we had a technical exercise that should have been second nature to everyone, except it relied on some homework I hadn't done yet. So, I'm here planning on learning how to do it.

I turned up on Monday, with no itinerary, expecting to be turned away. I must have had a weird look of shock on my face as I was asked to sign, and take a badge. Then I met my colleagues. They look the part. I was sitting in fresh slacks and a shirt (business casual, they said; this is business casual said my tailor1), while they sat in blue suits, with white shirts and no tie. The instructors just wore t-shirts and jeans.

People here breathe in technologies that I've heard of but never use, like "Vagrant". They talk about being on-site with customers, and I've just not done it. There's so much of this I feel behind on... Like there's a joke being made I won't get until weeks later. I know it's there, I don't know if it's at my expense or not, and I won't know until I get it.

I'm trying not to turn this into a pity party, but I also want to acknowledge that this is hard. I kinda like it, but it's hard. I mean, I genuinely felt today like someone would turn around and say, "You have no idea what you're doing, get out", and I'd have felt they were right.

Hopefully tomorrow is better.

There was a nice feeling that others weren't that far ahead of me when we finished for the day but... I'm doing things slightly differently, just so I can save a little time (and I'm cheating a tiny bit)

1 Well, they do tailoring, but they also know how to dress the formal-style illiterate without seeming condescending. They are worth the money.