||[Mar. 16th, 2016|02:57 am]
checks another item off the list*So, I was at a trans support group a couple of weeks ago. *|
It was weird to be back, but also surprisingly natural once the session started and there were discussions. I even chimed in once or twice. Actually, to be honest, I'm somewhat afraid of dominating the floor. I wasn't the biggest talker, but I'm afraid of running my mouth.
I've been around the trans scene a long time. I know how to talk in spaces like that. And I want to scale back because even though I know that time does not mean experience, I seem to hit a mode where I sound like I know what I'm talking about, and I don't want to overreach, overspeak or drown out voices. And I don't want to pitch myself as an expert... nobody benefits from this.
In situations like this, I perform. Sure what I'm saying goes comes from somewhere inside me, but at the same time, there's a persona between me and the room. Hell, when I came into the building, I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone. I didn't know them. What if they don't like me? What if they pick on me? Ok, those last two weren't what I was thinking... but it's still that slightly debilitating inability to cold talk to strangers. I even had that during the break, but at least I could shave off and join the smokers.
The fun part was the "third half". Chatting with a smaller section of the group over pints. Actually getting to know a few of them. One of them asked about experiences with something, and I shared what I could, making it clear it was a long time ago. But somehow we got chatting. She was younger than I was when I went to group. (There again, group wasn't in existence then... I probably would've gone if it was there)
I really enjoyed chatting to her and her friends, but I really had this mixed feeling. Part of me was thinking, "You're acting smooth, but this is just a performance. Is this really you? Is this just a short-term charm you're casting until they know what you're really like?" and then my head started plucking from the shopping list of mental disorders where people are charming at first.
Basically, I'm afraid of setting myself up as some sort of guru. I'm not. I'm just someone who learned how not to give certain fucks.
That said, I hope to spend more time in the group and get to know folks, and hopefully do less Performing.