|Star Wars did strange things to me
||[Jan. 25th, 2016|06:54 pm]
So, after a lot of drinking on Thursday, I was in a potentially-delicate state on Friday. While I was fine for most of the day, the tell-tale upset stomach was kicking in around 6pm. Somehow I didn't want to tempt fate and go to a drumming circle - a dark room filled with lots of loud noises - in case it brought a full-blown hangover to bear.|
Instead, wanting to do something, but a something that wouldn't trigger a hangover, I went to the cinema and watched the new Star Wars.
The problem with delicate states is that I'm sometimes a little emotionally delicate as well.
I don't think it really counts as a spoiler when I say that the Millennium Falcon is in the film. I'm not sure if it's a feat of emotional engineering on Disney's part (quite likely), or what, but I found myself welling up a little at the sight of the Falcon.
To be fair, I have this problem with a lot of Doctor Who episodes where they play that fucking theme. It's Pavlovian. They ring that out in an episode, and my eyes water. The Doctor could be picking dirt from under his nails, and I'll be shaking as I hold back tears, trying not to breathe in case the next breath is a racking sob.
But the thing is, I won't cry. I won't. I can't. As in, I am incapable. I just still have the urges.
One time, I rewatched the finale of the Glory arc in Buffy (y'know the one where she dies... again). I knew what was going to happen. But it was the first time watching it while on the horse piss, and I cried. At that moment, I was very glad I was alone, because I had become that person that cried at things on TV.
Maybe it was that I was talking about these self-same effects of hormones with a friend recently, but in that showing of Star Wars, I realised how much I missed being that person.
One of the items on my Extra Cycle list is getting back into the trans support systems, to try finding a route to get back on the titty-skittles.
The downside of that is, I know I have a lot to do to get there. I have to find out how to get back into the system, and to do that, I'll probably go to a support group. I don't mind those, I quite liked them when I went before. But now I know the person that runs it, and... that puts a tinge on it. I don't know how to articulate it, as I've attended group with this person, but I guess the power dynamic shifts when they run it.
Still, I think it's one of the next steps I need to take. I just need to account some time/cycles for it.