|Hippy weekend thoughts
||[Dec. 1st, 2015|06:38 pm]
So, I was bricking it. And like I said, I get anxious/apprehensive until it's obvious The Thing I'm Anxious About (heretofore known as The Thing) happens, or is obviously not going to happen. I got that out of the way quickly.
The rest is a collection of unordered thoughts about the whole experience, and is more for myself than for others:
- There is a sort of shiny-bright buzz about someone who does this. This buzz lasts for at least a few days. The real trick is to use that buzz to set up sustainable habits and behaviours that keep you shiny, or at least stops you un-shining as quickly. This afterglow period is a good time for instituting change.
- The weekend is deceptive. Before I used to think it was all about the self-directed meditation, and that the mindfulness stuff was a wet, and windy, inconvenience. Now I realise it's most of the magic to it.
- I got a very clear message that I needed to stop expecting simple things to be difficult. I'd say that was easier said than done, but that all gets a bit meta.
- Half the time, I needed to do other work to centre myself before doing the other meditations. I started thinking about the person who taught me those other centring techniques and found out they're trans. For some reason I find this hilarious.
- Whether the locus of control/change is external (spiritually) or internal (subconscious), neither are directly accessible to me without the various meditations, so it really makes no difference which one it is. It just has to vary depending on who I'm talking to.
- I keep feeling I'm not as shiny-bright as I was leaving the weekend (which was, in itself a total shiny-bright overload), and then I surprise myself. A close friend and colleague told me, at lunch, that he hadn't seen me this cheerful since just after Pride.
- At the weekend, I wondered about Pride and the hippy-stuff. Both very much let me feel I have a place in the world, that I don't need to beg for space or use less space than I need.
- Sustainable change isn't about making big sweeping changes, it's about making small ones that will become habitual. I broke a lot of habits a long time back, and I need to reintroduce some.
- While I was at a low overall, I feel like I'm now better equipped to recover than I used to be. I'm still no-where near where I used to be, spiritually speaking, but I feel like I can get there.
- Being shiny-bright does not mean not being angry, does not mean not being sad. It means not having these things unbalance you.
- Things in my head take less cycles to process. It's like trying to take a book out of a bookshelf that's on the other side of the room from you. Doing it when the floor covered with scattered with lego bricks will take more effort than when the room is clean. When you get used to stepping through the clutter, you amaze yourself what it's like doing it in a clean room. And like cleaning a room, it's easier to keep things manageable by fixing up small issues as they occur, rather than trying to clean 5 years of junk accumulation all at once. (Which reminds me, I must clean my real-life bedroom)
- My new spiritual companion is very useful. I hope to get to know them more.
So yeah, I'm brighter and shinier, and I have to be very conscious about keeping that way. Hopefully, as time goes on, I'll get to integrate that more into the things I do. (I've already checked in with myself multiple time at work, just to make sure I'm still relatively balanced)