|Why I don't come out as trans any more
||[Sep. 1st, 2011|06:32 pm]
In work, there's a receptionist who I talk to a fair bit. Occasionally she makes comments that make me bristle a bit internally, purely because she doesn't know the extent of my circumstances.
I was thinking about telling her I was trans, explaining why some comments make me uncomfortable. Just for the record, these comments were nothing big; they weren't offensive to groups at large, just that I thought they were short-sighted. Just stuff like how alopecia would affect women's self-images more than it would affect mine. That sorta thing.
Thinking about it today, I realised that there's no point coming out. In fact, I've unconsciously made it my policy not to come out as trans any more.
Some time ago, when it came to introductions, I started just ballsing it out and introducing myself one way or the other in certain groups. If you met me before that, well you already know what to call me, but if I've just met you, I've made the choice for you; your choice is not my name, but whether to stick around or not.
When I'm in work, by necessity, that choice is my male identity.
What I've realised since is that it's too much work to convince people off whatever choice I initially made for them. Either there's a stretch of difficulty, or there's fawning or some other loud acclimatisation process.
This was doubly reinforced when I bumped into someone from college a few days ago. I hadn't made that decision by then, I introduced myself as male, and then subsequently let them in on the rest of my situation later. As a result, most of what we talked about when I met her again had to do with what name she was going to put into her phone. She was reliving that same acclimatisation process as when I first came out to her.
It's gotten to the point where I think that if that acclimatisation is in the history of how we know each other, it will always be there, and it will always come back to haunt me. So I'm just not putting it in there any more. Sure, it's obvious as all hell that I'm not cis-female, but I'm just not going to introduce with a more comfortable identity and then flip it on you later; it does no good for either of us.
So: That receptionist finishes work tomorrow, and I'm not going to fill her in on my gender stuff. Sure, it might clarify some of my attitudes for her, but really... it's not going to do me any favours, so I won't go there.