||[Jun. 28th, 2005|12:43 am]
I was going to be polite about this... but... meh.
Basically, I know I'm mid-transition. I'm pretty much in an untenable position. How I've managed to stay here for so long is beyond me. One thing that DOES hold me together are my friends. But ultimately I'm in a very odd position: I'm on hormones for 2 and a quarter years, I'm living at home with parents, and until I move out, I won't be able to really transition and/or change my name. Well, maybe some day I'll be able to.
So, one of the things I do as a result is that I inflict that untenable position on others by giving people a choice of name. I think it generally says a lot about how people see me depending on the name they use. Some use them interchangably, some stick with one unless asked otherwise and have told me this.
Now there was one circle of friends that I had before I went to UCD. They were one of the first that I really came out to. They seemed to accept me. They did say "Well if you want to be called Aoife then that's what we'll call you." - And they did for a while. A few years on they stopped. My reckoning is they just figured that if I went for this long without doing anything that it was just a phase. So they reverted to my male name. I thought that saying "Hey look I'm on hormones" would help in some manner. Nope.
I guess it just hurts that they said they would, and that they just reverted. And the more I deal with these people the more I wonder, what the hell is keeping me in this circle of friends? Hell, one of the major characters in this seems to be falling out with people left, right and center. Maybe it's my time? I mean, it's not like she's drawing me any closer. Any time I try to talk to her these days, all she'll do is interupt and talk about how her situation is so much worse, or be treated like some little token toy. fucking hell, she even said she just switches off if I mention something... ok, it was half in jest, but christ it still hurt. She may think that somehow we're close - but we've not been close in a very long while... she doesn't seem to respect me enough to listen to more than half a sentence from me these days, and it's getting a bit tiresome listening and providing moral support for the latest person she fell out with. If it isn't about her, it doesn't matter.
The only fucking reason I'm staying is that there are other people I wouldn't be in touch with otherwise. I was talking to one guy who I get on rather well with... I haven't seen him in ages. Thing is, after about half an hour something seemed to click and he got the names right.
Of course, the simpler solution would be to talk to the people in question. But as I've said, I prefer not to force names... and I think it does say a lot about how people think of me. I guess I just need to rant. It sucks when you realise that you haven't been friends with someone for a while now. It sucks more when you realise you'll probably need to burn bridges.