||[Mar. 28th, 2008|05:46 am]
I was thinking recently that every so often I take on a particular mindset - one of a survivor. The really impotent aspect is that, on an intellectual level, I don't think there's much in my life to survive. It's like those kids that are upset about having nothing to be upset about. Yet, on some levels, I just feel that I should be spending more of my time fighting, not anything grandiose like ensuring rights for people but for that mysterious goal of "survival". It's like I want something tangible to tear against, either for progress or just to tread water.
I'm not strong physically, but I do believe that I can play wage a mean psychological campaign when I really put my mind to it.
The end effect is that, sometimes, with the right provocation, my back gets right up, and I will fight my corner. I will get to the point of picking someone up and verbally shitting on them. I seem to be getting back into that habit, and I'm wondering what the cause is. Sure, it's nearly 11 months since I gave up lodging in ivory towers (well all but one ivory tower, but that particular tower isn't very high, very ivory or worth very much attention in general) so I guess my self-restraints are resetting themselves to pre-Ivory Towers times (which was a long long time ago). Of course the fact that I'm off hormones would help this.
I guess I'm just amazed at what's locked up in this little psyche of mine. I'm not always a nice person... I feel quite capable of tearing people down and making them feel one inch tall. Moreover, when I do, I feel a twinge of craftsman's pride in a job well done. Even further than that, from my time in the ivory towers, or even beforehand, I was quite capable of obeying rules of conduct while doing it - that generally evokes the sort of pride I'd imagine Charlie 'Teflon' Haughey would have.
Overall, it would massively help if I could channel all of this towards something constructive... like my final year project.