||[Jun. 13th, 2005|01:03 am]
|||||Maz Manson - Dried Up, Tied Up, Dead to the World (Live in U||]|
Once again, I write something that shouldn't have been written, and it's something I don't think you'll ever read - A bit like when I realised I first had feelings for you, I wrote it for you to never read. That I might just read over it as a private testament to how I felt at the time. That fucked up more than mildly, didn't it.
Sometimes I wonder what I'd do if I met you again. If I was to randomly meet you, if I ever decided to go to Whitby or Bradford, what would I do? Once, I made no secret that I'd love to expose you to untold pains. Now I think I'd just want to catch up. We've gone very seperate ways since we last talked. I doubt it would be comfortable. Would we be too comfortable with each other for comfort or, would either one of us feel bottled recriminations bubbling to the surface again, ready to trip off our tongues?
It took me nearly two (three when I think about it) years to make my peace with you, calling you by many names, some of which you heard. I admit, I was cruel - I even took some pride in that. For that, I'm sorry. I guess I just feel we fucked with each others heads so much that it was hard to forget. Mind games aren't as fun as you imagine them. We got them from every which way, last thing either of us needed was to be playing them with each other - I'm sorry.
You know the weird thing - if it wasn't for you, I don't think I'd be where I am now: In second year in college, back home, studying computer science. I'd not have been as interested in trying out to do theoretical physics, if it hadn't been for the little gems you told me about - Ok, so I failed miserably at that, but I found CS was interesting.
Some songs still remind me of you, and strangely so do some games - like Atomix (or the version I play: KJumpingCube). What I find weird is that sometimes I feel like I'm following in your footsteps... at least when it comes to things in computers. When I finally get to learn that language you love, I'll get to see what all the fuss is about.
I've wanted to mail you telling you things like this, but I've harboured this strange fear that you'd read it. So, I've finally decided to write it where you'll probably never read it... but if you do, I don't think I'll mind.
So what I've been trying to say is: If we ever do happen to run across each other, fancy a coffee?