||[May. 23rd, 2005|11:09 pm]
|||||Marilyn Manson - Portrait of an American Family||]|
So the exams are over. The stress is waning, and now things are beginning to click back into place, and I wanna shout!
Over the last while, I've been feeling distinctly amorphous. It felt like the last kick off the hormones didn't end once I started taking the horse piss again. I think that exams were just keeping me down too much to let me get back up. At first, it was pressure about how my meeting with my endo would go. That came and went. Then I had exams. Now I'm free. I just have a blood test tomorrow and it's done.
Anyway, I was feeling crap, like my body had no shape. Worse, I felt like my mind didn't either. Now everything is loosening out. I'm noticing bits of myself more. I'm realising that I'm not as bad as I think in my head. That or what I think in my head has just lightened up.
To be honest, this must have happened in the last coupla hours, because only a few hours before I was wallowing in self pity to believe there was anything redeemable to me. Of course, ranting about stuff like that doesn't really do much good... Especially at exam time. People have their own shit to deal with around this time of year. So why rant about something so constant?
At any rate, it's strange when I walk around and then look down at the moment. I see a chest. I'm beginning to see what Adam means when he says it probably shouldn't be any bigger... just from a suitability point of view, if it'd suit my frame. And now, I'm looking down at what is some sort of cup, I'm beginning to see what's meant.
And right now, something seems to be knitting itself together again. Wheee! It's a bit of me that's beginning to feel useful again. There's a bit of me beginning to feel potent and that something can be done. There are bits of me being freed left, right and center (yes, I know it should be centre, but I use so many amerenglish programming/markup languages that I have to spell it center or the interpretter doesn't know what in the hell I'm saying - note to self: lobby w3c to include a centre tag in the next xhtml spec :P ) and I'm feeling... just human again.
I've realised, and accepted, I amn't going to be some petite girl. I'm not going to be a girly girl. I'm going to be some borderline androgynous person who's transitioning not because she's gonna be a particularly girly girl but because it's what works, and what seems right. And my subconscious seems to be trying to help me - I'm beginning to see things that maybe others are seeing. Or rather, I might be letting myself see something that people are seeing. Or maybe not. But at the moment I feel good. And to celebrate I'm listening to Portrait of an American Family.
What I really want to do is get a job, get some money, go to fibbers and get wasted and mosh. That's not a bad plan is it? Just go out and celebrate. Not celebrate anything in particular. Just celebrate feeling good.
And having a job would help continue this feeling of usefulness. I don't want to rely on people this year... not for money. I need to work. I need a sense that I'm getting somewhere... that I'm earning my own money.
Basically, my mood might be picking up for the summer. And if I have a job, even if it's a mind-deadening one, I'll be a very happy bunny.
It's amazing what feelings of self-worth can be tied to - work and t-shirts. :P