||[Apr. 6th, 2007|05:48 am]
So, I was on a forum and, in the interests of science and procrastination, I was taking some quizilla quizzes.
I might repost them some time, but one of the common themes to my results was "leadership". Now, I'm not saying that quizilla tests are exactly the one true oracle to all things in my life, but you do have to wonder when you see a certain theme.
Anywho, I'm apparently come across in these various tests as some sort of strong leader type. Rrrrrright.
It's very much the case that I don't consider myself a leader, or rather that it's not a job I'd ever rush to take on again. I've run things, and I've watched a lot of them fail. I guess I'm just not eager to be in that position again. So, sometimes I nearly freak at the idea of leadership.
Case in point: My boss has a job where he has to kick a large portion of the company up the ass and make them do their jobs properly. He's getting me involved. So, we were having a meeting, going over what he needed, and the templates for the emails that unfortunate managers are going to get. We were teasing out the final details when I asked whose name it'd be in, so I could help word it a bit better. Instantly, and matter-of-fact as you can, he said "It'll be in your name. You'll own this project completely." I silently panicked for the next while.
I dunno, I've been at the helm of too many things failing for me to really want that role any time soon. I mean, these days I'm highly conscious that on occasion, I'll talk a good talk, but my overwhelming laziness means that you're unlikely to see results unless you have a cattle-prod. Plus, even if you do have the cattle prod, I may resent you for using it.
I mean, I can recognise some qualities in me that may be useful in such a role, but just because I have some nails and some wood does not mean I can build a spice rack.
The most obvious answer to all of this is, in tests like these, there aren't any grey areas. There's black and there's white and that's it. Black or white. Innocent or Guilty. Leader or Follower. I'm not a follower, but in my world it doesn't make me a leader either. *sigh*
The best way to describe me would be as a Lieutenant - not at the top, but near the top. Getting things done, but not front of house - I think that was my biggest problem with Pagansoc, the whole Front of House thing... I think I was actually ok as Secretary.
That said, while I was writing this, I've realised how I seem to find myself in roles of responsibility, where decisions are made. I find myself getting friendly with the right people, I find that I just seem to make a splash with the right people. To me that doesn't make me a leader, it just means I might share a few qualities.
Basically, this post has very little point except to explore the idea of leadership. That some people may think that I would be a leader, except that I feel it doesn't apply to me, and I guess it still kinda squicks me when it IS applied.
The other thought was that when I am put in charge of something, I feel very personally responsible for it... that's it's as much make or break for myself as for whatever I'm in charge of. I guess that's why ship captains are said to go down with their ships - ultimately they feel they led the ship and crew to a situation where the boat would sink, and that while the crew and passengers could get out while they could, the captain would still rather see that voyage through to the end, even if it did mean their own destruction. Of course, in their case, it also meant they could avoid having to answer the inevitable awkward questions that would be asked if they had survived.
I can't drop that sense of personal responsibility, even if those who came before me contributed to the problem, I'd feel it was my fault that I couldn't fix it, either because I didn't have the resources or just because I couldn't. I guess that's why I don't want to take on the Netsoc HSA position. I'm very seriously considering just saying "no" and just doing my final year in college without that distracting me. Of course, I'd feel responsible for not taking it on, but one way or the other I'm going to feel responsible... and the state netsoc's in now, I don't think it's possible to fix our mess, not with me spending my summer still working in Sun, and not single-handedly. To be honest, I feel out of the loop. And I don't think I'm ready to take on Front of House for a situation as dire as this. I don't want to be the last HSA that fiddles as it all burns and collapses around me. I don't think I could take that.
In fairness, this isn't the only issue I'm squicking at, but it's one that I'm probably going to have to make a decision on soon.
Anyway, the core idea: I may not always be a follower, but I don't think that necessarily makes me a leader.