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Meh? [Jan. 17th, 2017|10:30 am]
I think I've hit one of those points where it strikes me that I'm a wee bit depressed at the moment. Nothing I can't handle, but when you realise that you're coming home from work to just sleep, and that when you're awake it feels like there's absolutely nothing to do. Even Netflix seems like it has nothing appropriate. Youtube has nothing appropriate. There aren't even games I want to play. But I'm also not tired enough to sleep.

I know this will pass, but it's probably important to acknowledge the space I'm in right now.
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The comedown [Dec. 12th, 2016|03:07 am]
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Post-holiday whineCollapse )
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If the boot fits [Dec. 3rd, 2016|02:59 am]

It feels weird to talk about something so basic, and so... I want to say "superficial", and I'm not sure if that's the right word. But I've debated even posting about this, and I still don't know if I'll click post.

So I was boot shopping...Collapse )
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(no subject) [Nov. 18th, 2016|04:35 pm]

So... words that aren't about the election.

Well, a few days ago, I really felt tapped dry. Like, wow. I remembered that this was the way I was used to feeling, but it was new to me again.

I realised that I was spending more time in work again, somehow.

I realised that I had to work harder on my morning meditations on the bus to get less effect.

I realised that I wanted to take a holiday in Amsterdam, spending a week wondering where the fuck my face is.

I realised that the person I'd dusted off last Christmas-time has been left in the corner, dusting over again.

And I compared this to last year where I shone on some level. And I realised that I wanted to take some time to get back there. And wished there were more accessible spaces I could go to do that.

Then I realised I hadn't been drumming for the last three Fridays. I realised that's one of my maintenance times.

I've promised myself I'll drum this Friday, if even to just keep the rot at bay.

There's also the Transgender Day of Remembrance ceremony on Friday, but I won't make that. I want to. I want to remember Sean there. But I can't let myself lose another Friday.

I wanted to post a few days ago about how it was all getting darker, and falling apart. Then it got better, and I still wanted to write about it but I don't know how any more. I could say I realise I have tools to recognise where I was, and other tools to help me Not Be There, but I don't want to turn it into one of those sappy, "This is where I was, but I'm not there" posts - even if there's an element of that to it.

I just felt so constrained, and bound. I think I've fixed it, but I think it's also important to remember why I wanted it. I suppose, I really just wanted avenues of self-care to engage in. I still want them, I'm just making sure I'm engaging in the ones I have access to.
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At least you won a bet. [Nov. 16th, 2016|02:16 am]

This last week hasn't been fun.

And right now, I'm feeling *such* an "us vs them" mentality setting in. A lot of my friends are worried, and scared shitless, and just plain angry that Trump hit power. These friends aren't in the US, but they can easily imagine what their lives would be like if they lived in the US and if his policies came to be, and it's not good.

Then you have the guys, and the ones I'm thinking of are nearly always fucking dudes, straight ones at that, saying that they're delighted Trump won. Especially because they won money.

I know some placed it as a consolation bet - those folks are generally quiet about it. The others, well, I'm glad it gave you some spending money for the Christmas, but fucking hell... don't be so fucking cheery about it, at least?

I was sitting outside the office, having my morning smoke when one guy came out, all cheery, laughing and saying, "Wah-hey-hey. Trump won!" Like, in one way I wonder why he cares so much, but then the same could be asked of me.

I keep feeling like it still hasn't sunk in yet. That morning, I heard the news, and said "Balls". Then... I don't know what I felt.

In a way, it just feels powerless. Because, in reality, the President of the United States has power over us folk too, we just don't have a fucking say in it.
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Decompression [Oct. 3rd, 2016|01:18 am]
The workweek consisted of high-intensity shit, with occasional bouts of after-work decompression. I was bone-tired by Tuesday, let alone the end of the week.

The weekend started with drumming, then the next day was signing into Féile D (at full price, because even though I don't really get anything out of it, and haven't for the last few years, I remember when I did and want it to keep going), while ducking off to a puddle.

After, I came back to the hotel that Féile was in, and hung out with folks. A fatigue headache told me I hadn't really eaten anything substantial so, I ate, and drank. By about 8pm, I tottered home with a lingering headache, and a dodgy stomach. I'm still not sure if it was just the week taking its toll, or if I have a cold coming on, but I got home, threw up then slept around 16 hours.

But, the strangest thing is: it wasn't really a bad end to the day... It just forced some badly needed downtime on me. So I didn't begrudge it.

When I got up today, and had a moment to myself, I started thinking about random stuff (I was thinking of something game-dev/programming related) and I realised that not once did I think about work or any of my usual shit on Saturday. It was like I was in a little bubble outside of reality, and if that bubble had to end a bit earlier, then so be it.

All told, it was a good Saturday.
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Thinking about S... [Jul. 4th, 2016|08:32 pm]
Just before pride, while smoking with the smokers, I bounced a little and said that I was looking forward to Pride. One of the smokers turned and asked "So, where's Straight Pride?". I groaned and yukked it up, but she continued with, "No really, where is it?" and I tried to explain why LGBT Pride is still important, but she pressed on with, "Yeah, yeah, I know all that stuff. But isn't there nothing left to celebrate?", and the others weighed in with similar sentiments. I could have fought that battle, but I didn't. I just went back up to the office to work.

Dark stuffCollapse )
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(no subject) [Jun. 21st, 2016|01:39 am]
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Sometimes expressing stuff is hard.

There was a screenshot of a tumblr post going around facebook. It was about the relief someone can hear about hearing a term for the first time that describes them.

I was tired, and emotional from London, and I shared it with a post-script.The post-script and explanationCollapse )
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Decompression [Jun. 18th, 2016|03:25 am]
So... that thing that I've been working towards for the last month has happened. And I'm back tonight.

*flump*Collapse )
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Impostor Syndrome [Jun. 14th, 2016|11:48 pm]

Um... This week so far has been intense, and it's only 2 days in. WibbleCollapse )
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