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Hey you, what do you see? - The tissue of the Tears of Zorro [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
tearsofzorro

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Hey you, what do you see? [Feb. 4th, 2016|01:25 am]
tearsofzorro
[music |Marilyn Manson - Beautiful People]

I went to a Bi meetup today.

Well, I came late to a bi meetup. Before that, I was hanging with friends. It turns out that most/all of us pretty much have that killer combination of obliviousness when someone is interested/flirting with you, and enough social anxiety to stop us approaching attractive people. Couple that with also just degrading into babbling incoherence, and total loss of cool, when someone actually actively expresses an interest in you, and that leads to a complete an utter shipwreck.

Yeah, so I arrived at the Bi meetup.

I caught the tail-end of folks, made some blithe comments, just trying to get into the rhythm of the conversation. I ended up talking nerdy to some, and just talking to others.

People left, not many joined. We tapered down to a small cadre of folks. One who, for all his strong personality, was defensive. Another who I'd seen before in other places. I made a comment that we were both fairly recognisable.

He said that at least I was beautiful.

So yeah, I went to a bi meetup, and I was told I was beautiful.

My mind spun. Do I return the compliment if I don't feel it? Do I accept the compliment, even if I don't feel it? How would I accept the compliment?

I still can't take compliments. I think I said as much. I also said I didn't really feel it. I've only believed a few people when they said they thought I was beautiful, and it was very much down to circumstance. The rest of the time, I can't see it.

He said, I should try. I didn't tell him that I'm afraid, in case what I see doesn't match what others see. So, it's simply easier to believe there's nothing there. Nothing to see, move along. I've been doing this for at least a decade. The idea of not doing this is foreign to me.

He was actually a fairly nice guy, and I realised after the meet that I knew him from the Space, although he was mostly there because his other friends were.

Anyway, the conversation continued, and with a small group it got silly, filthy, and generally interesting craic for a bunch of folks who probably didn't all know each other. Then we all decided that getting the last bus home was a good idea.

When we all packed up and left, we walked some of the same way and we chatted. It seems like it was both our first time at a meetup. He asked if myself and the person I arrived with were besties. We shook hands goodbye, although there was a nervousness. I got the impression that he wanted something more. I wasn't ready to give it.

I don't find people really beautiful until I get to know them. I find some people pretty at sight, but not beautiful.

I don't find myself attracted to people until I know them, and they light up the room for me.

I couldn't have returned the compliment.

On the way home, I felt bouyed though. I think I needed the human contact.

It did make me regret not going to the trans group, though. The trans group is a way back into the system, and through the system I can get back on hormones. I get to hold onto good feelings better when I'm on them.

I think I also need to learn how to accept compliments like a functional human.
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