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Talkin' it all out - The tissue of the Tears of Zorro [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
tearsofzorro

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Talkin' it all out [Nov. 23rd, 2015|07:14 pm]
tearsofzorro
I will be going to a hippy weekend this weekend, and part of me is bricking it, and has been for the last few weeks.

You see, my brain has this habit of picking out potential problematic scenarios and fixating on them. I can't stop it. It just chews up the spare cycles (and more) until the potential for the situation has passed.

This hippy weekend is a bit like a coming home for me. I first went to this same course, this same place, when I was 17. I went because my dad thought it'd straighten me out somehow; my mum wanted me to see a therapist, and my dad decided this was the more straight-forward/effective answer somehow.

I did get something out of it. Enough that I went back when the folks were doing an extended "course" that involved 4 weekends over the course of a year. I don't know how to explain those sessions except to say that they did have a profound effect on me, in a good way. That was 12 years ago.

Since then, I started college for the final time, I helped set up the Pagan Society, I then ran it, I then went off and did other things, I then graduated, and finally started work. About two or three years into work, I read a Philip K Dick book, and somehow managed to break my sense of spirituality. I've never managed to repair or recover it, despite what had happened on that extended course.

It's kinda why, when some friends said they were going, I decided to join them and go back. Just to see if I can reconnect.

And while I'm nervous about even reconnecting on a spiritual level, my brain is chewing up more cycles on what happens between bouts of applied spirituality.

How it plays out in my head:
  • We're asked to introduce ourselves

  • I introduce myself

  • Someone decides the name I give isn't "real" enough for them

  • They pry

In the scenario in my head, they don't stop prying.

By chance, I met up with another friend who's going and we shared our own various fears and misgivings over tea. I walked away feeling better. We both know what situations to look for, and what to pull each other out from. We even have a safe word. Practical concerns are now met.

Then, yesterday, I met someone I don't often meet, except on busses. We get chatting and we manage to sum everything up in a few short sentences. It served to remind me that the power of subtlety is an amazing thing. I told her that it's something my brain fixates on, and will do until it's either happened or the potential has gone away.

My brain still generates heat on this (like, every attendee has the email addresses of every other attendee thanks to a confirmation mail, so that enables potential facebook problems), but I know I have backup.

Doesn't stop me bricking it, though.
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