||[Aug. 15th, 2008|04:44 am]
So... I was going into college to talk to my supervisor. My biggest thing was that there were several books of his that I wanted to return. Having checked with him by email that he'd probably be wandering about the place this week, so I decided to venture in today.
This last while, I've been talking about academic stuff with friends, and already I'm donning the rose-tinted glasses, thinking of all the friends I'd made coupled with the fun and random activities and conversations that I found myself complicit in. I really bought into it for a while. However, on my way to the compsci building I stopped off at the SU Library shop to get a drink, and got this gut-wrenching and familiar sensation of sickness, panic and worry. My body was so trained to feeling that way over the last year that simply going to that shop was like trapping Pavlov's dog under a large church bell and ringing it. It didn't help that when I went to the compsci building, I smelled its distinctive musty aroma for the first time in a long time; taste and smell memory are bitches - it's only in the past couple of years that I've kicked the feeling of Guildford when I chew a particular brand of chewing gum.
This is just the latest in a long line of swings to and from continuing in academia. The fact that such a sense of ill-health, stress and nausea came from just a simple setting is not a great sign for the future. Do I want to spend time in a place that raises these feeling in me? Will I be able to shake the history there, or would I just make it worse?
It's just a long line of questions, assurances and counter-assurances that I have to resolve for myself, but I thought I'd share it anyway.